The first step is admitting

Today I came to the realization that I have relationship anxiety....

There! I said it. That should start to make me feel better, right? Wrong.

I've been a single woman since 2010, having serious love intrest and dating men who felt the same in return yet could never get far enough with me  to have something long term but this year something has happened, a shift if you will. I met someone and the stars felt as if they were perfectly aligned, the only thing is, when I started to realize he was serious about me I panicked, I always do. I create situations and conflicts so that I didnt have to allow myself to be vulnerable. If I was vulnerable that would mean I was opening myself up for hurt, an emotion I didn't want to feel. So in response to that I retreat. Sometimes in a manner not conducive to reflect the person that I have become through years of self reflection. And on today, I realized that the more I attempted to shy away from pain and suffering, the more I understand that I have created through building walls around my heart that is ultimately crippling.

So, now what???

That's the big question. I have taught myself to become reflective through the eyes of others. I have done research, read books (self help and others), meditated etc. to create the space where I can be open to change from the inside out. I know that these things things take time, the process is what one should invest in more than "becoming". This is the part where the discovery is supposed to bring about some change because once you know better, the knowing is a call to action. To be honest I have no idea what the next course of action is... I've been in the "which way is up" vein before which is how I have become aware of my self in the first place. And what I've learned is that the universe will always meet us half way when we commit to doing a task. So this blog is a form of my commitment. On this journey to release my relationship anxiety in all facets and love my life & family wholeheartedly, making this a sort of journal. Im nervous but hopeful at what energies I will find in my discoveries so that they can be released, everything happens for a reason, the reason this time is to rediscover love. Stay tuned!