I am an entrepreneur. This is not something that I think about myself, I know this without a shadow of a doubt. But there is something about that statement that feels frightening.
For the last 2 months I have been taking a class on how to properly conduct my business and how to build my business so that it will be sustainable. While in this class I've learned a lot about how to start a business, what you should do in order to financially establish a new business as well as how to create a business plan. But when it comes to the point of building a customer data bases I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and sinking...FAST! This is mostly because of my relationship issues. It wasn't until this very moment that I discovered that this was an issue.
Having and running a successful business relies heavily on the ability to sell, and I do know how to sell however, that bone is temporarily disabled. One thing I did learn in class is that we should tell and not sell, but even that has a certain amount of persuasion that's involved and for me I'm not really a persuasive person. I'm more like ask nicely and let it be.
Being here is teaching me some things about myself that I knew, but I'm having to be forced and pulled off the fence. One being that I'm only aggressive in certain situations. Being in business requires that you are aggressive, in a smooth none threatening "come look" sort of way. I do know that I've had that quality but for me that looks like displaying what I have and allowing others to take the lead on seeking out the goodness. I realized this approach won't work. I mean it could if I was selling socks but that's not the case here.
I honestly have 2 businesses, 1 job and a potential to work for "Lift" as a driver and I need ALL of my avenues to yield me a pay off. Having a relationship with ME in order to find out how to allow my businesses to prosper for me is a absolute MUST. I have so much riding on these things and I KNOW they will work, but I don't know how to get out of my own way to making sure they do. I'm a good person on the inside and out but this is honestly the 2nd most confusing period of my life. Its like being lost in the woods. My compass still works though. And it tells me I should "talk to everyone that comes."
(that was a message from my morning meditation that just revealed itself) 😇
I haven't given up. I cant give up, so the only and next best thing to do is to keep fighting, so I strap my boots tighter, and tighten up my amour! The war WILL be won!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
The faint of revelation
Today's events were.... I honestly don't have a word to name it, I'll say a wake up call for a lack of better names. For the last month I've been dealing with a condition called bell's palsy, it's not life threatening however it can alter your lifestyle once triggered. Beginning in April my face begin twitching and since I've experienced a different symptom every other week for a little more than a month. I've been to the doctor almost once a week for a month and had to take time from my work to get well. Ive had a good support system thurs far in my family and close friends. But today was by far the most unexpected of the entire experience.
For some time I have had the practice of a midday prayer/meditation. I do this mostly to get still and hear from God like most but also to help replenish my energy for the rest of the day. I work in a building that houses a few different agencies including a chapel which is where I go for my midday prayer/meditation and today was no exception. The only thing that was out of the norm was that instead of being on the chapels balcony, where I usely go I was redirected to go onto the main level due to the balcony key being inaccessible. As I set myself up for my meditation turning one of the already place chairs in a forward direction, I sat and prayed and gave thanks and when finished I stood up to take a sort of yoga stretch, first forward then backwards. The next thing I knew I was staring at droplets of blood and picking myself up from the floor bleeding from the mouth. I was confused. I had no clue what had just happened. The emloyees in the lobby all looked confused as well... Being that I had went in one way, good spirited and well, and returned bloodied and disoriented. While I was in the restroom cleaning up, two of my co-workers entered to check on me.
"are you ok?? Do you need to go home??"
I was just as confused and concerned as they were. I knew I felt fine yet the deep gash on both sides of my lip told a different story. "Maybe I should." I replied, as I fought back tears. What was happening? Why was this happening? Why is this my reality today? How did I fall? All these thoughts crossed my mind. I was in disarray. I walked back to the chapel to make sense of what had happened. I looked at the chair then the distance from where I sat to where the blood was. "How did I get all the way up there?" I'm only a 4"11 and there had to be more than 5 ft. distance between them though not much. My co-worker gathered me from cleaning the floor so that she and another could see me home safely.
Once I returned home minutes later I received a random text from my sister saying "Heyy sister! I expect wonderful amazing things to happen today!....what about you?! The day is Great! Let's enjoy it!" unbeknownst to her I had just taken something of a nasty spill, but I still was grateful that she thought of me at this very hour. From there, my niece who knew of the situation called to check on me and a friend as well who was calling to take a random road trip. Not to mention my 3 year old great niece who noticed the not so silent gash in my lip immediately and began to pray with me & for me, as well as my mother, they were all instrumental.
I still dont know medically what is wrong, as I wait for test and results the amount of love and support I experienced on today showed me that I have those relationships that no matter what I am always loved and supported. As I work through this anxiety that im experiencing I know that God will reveal to me the importance and necessity of keeping these relationships that feed me on a less than perfect day, and to always give thanks for them. This day showed me that even when you dont believe to be in relation with others the amout of care & support shows you otherwise. I can say that today was humbling and I am forever and always grateful and open for the lessons & blesssings sent through the universe. Namaste.
For some time I have had the practice of a midday prayer/meditation. I do this mostly to get still and hear from God like most but also to help replenish my energy for the rest of the day. I work in a building that houses a few different agencies including a chapel which is where I go for my midday prayer/meditation and today was no exception. The only thing that was out of the norm was that instead of being on the chapels balcony, where I usely go I was redirected to go onto the main level due to the balcony key being inaccessible. As I set myself up for my meditation turning one of the already place chairs in a forward direction, I sat and prayed and gave thanks and when finished I stood up to take a sort of yoga stretch, first forward then backwards. The next thing I knew I was staring at droplets of blood and picking myself up from the floor bleeding from the mouth. I was confused. I had no clue what had just happened. The emloyees in the lobby all looked confused as well... Being that I had went in one way, good spirited and well, and returned bloodied and disoriented. While I was in the restroom cleaning up, two of my co-workers entered to check on me.
"are you ok?? Do you need to go home??"
I was just as confused and concerned as they were. I knew I felt fine yet the deep gash on both sides of my lip told a different story. "Maybe I should." I replied, as I fought back tears. What was happening? Why was this happening? Why is this my reality today? How did I fall? All these thoughts crossed my mind. I was in disarray. I walked back to the chapel to make sense of what had happened. I looked at the chair then the distance from where I sat to where the blood was. "How did I get all the way up there?" I'm only a 4"11 and there had to be more than 5 ft. distance between them though not much. My co-worker gathered me from cleaning the floor so that she and another could see me home safely.
Once I returned home minutes later I received a random text from my sister saying "Heyy sister! I expect wonderful amazing things to happen today!....what about you?! The day is Great! Let's enjoy it!" unbeknownst to her I had just taken something of a nasty spill, but I still was grateful that she thought of me at this very hour. From there, my niece who knew of the situation called to check on me and a friend as well who was calling to take a random road trip. Not to mention my 3 year old great niece who noticed the not so silent gash in my lip immediately and began to pray with me & for me, as well as my mother, they were all instrumental.
I still dont know medically what is wrong, as I wait for test and results the amount of love and support I experienced on today showed me that I have those relationships that no matter what I am always loved and supported. As I work through this anxiety that im experiencing I know that God will reveal to me the importance and necessity of keeping these relationships that feed me on a less than perfect day, and to always give thanks for them. This day showed me that even when you dont believe to be in relation with others the amout of care & support shows you otherwise. I can say that today was humbling and I am forever and always grateful and open for the lessons & blesssings sent through the universe. Namaste.
The first step is admitting
Today I came to the realization that I have relationship anxiety....
There! I said it. That should start to make me feel better, right? Wrong.
I've been a single woman since 2010, having serious love intrest and dating men who felt the same in return yet could never get far enough with me to have something long term but this year something has happened, a shift if you will. I met someone and the stars felt as if they were perfectly aligned, the only thing is, when I started to realize he was serious about me I panicked, I always do. I create situations and conflicts so that I didnt have to allow myself to be vulnerable. If I was vulnerable that would mean I was opening myself up for hurt, an emotion I didn't want to feel. So in response to that I retreat. Sometimes in a manner not conducive to reflect the person that I have become through years of self reflection. And on today, I realized that the more I attempted to shy away from pain and suffering, the more I understand that I have created through building walls around my heart that is ultimately crippling.
So, now what???
That's the big question. I have taught myself to become reflective through the eyes of others. I have done research, read books (self help and others), meditated etc. to create the space where I can be open to change from the inside out. I know that these things things take time, the process is what one should invest in more than "becoming". This is the part where the discovery is supposed to bring about some change because once you know better, the knowing is a call to action. To be honest I have no idea what the next course of action is... I've been in the "which way is up" vein before which is how I have become aware of my self in the first place. And what I've learned is that the universe will always meet us half way when we commit to doing a task. So this blog is a form of my commitment. On this journey to release my relationship anxiety in all facets and love my life & family wholeheartedly, making this a sort of journal. Im nervous but hopeful at what energies I will find in my discoveries so that they can be released, everything happens for a reason, the reason this time is to rediscover love. Stay tuned!
There! I said it. That should start to make me feel better, right? Wrong.
I've been a single woman since 2010, having serious love intrest and dating men who felt the same in return yet could never get far enough with me to have something long term but this year something has happened, a shift if you will. I met someone and the stars felt as if they were perfectly aligned, the only thing is, when I started to realize he was serious about me I panicked, I always do. I create situations and conflicts so that I didnt have to allow myself to be vulnerable. If I was vulnerable that would mean I was opening myself up for hurt, an emotion I didn't want to feel. So in response to that I retreat. Sometimes in a manner not conducive to reflect the person that I have become through years of self reflection. And on today, I realized that the more I attempted to shy away from pain and suffering, the more I understand that I have created through building walls around my heart that is ultimately crippling.
So, now what???
That's the big question. I have taught myself to become reflective through the eyes of others. I have done research, read books (self help and others), meditated etc. to create the space where I can be open to change from the inside out. I know that these things things take time, the process is what one should invest in more than "becoming". This is the part where the discovery is supposed to bring about some change because once you know better, the knowing is a call to action. To be honest I have no idea what the next course of action is... I've been in the "which way is up" vein before which is how I have become aware of my self in the first place. And what I've learned is that the universe will always meet us half way when we commit to doing a task. So this blog is a form of my commitment. On this journey to release my relationship anxiety in all facets and love my life & family wholeheartedly, making this a sort of journal. Im nervous but hopeful at what energies I will find in my discoveries so that they can be released, everything happens for a reason, the reason this time is to rediscover love. Stay tuned!
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